cravings

I WANT A CIGARETTE !!

Well actually I don't 'want' one but my brain is telling me I haven't had a chemical hit today and it now neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeds one. I won't have one but I may have a few moments of whinging while the urge passes.

Because that's all they are - moments.

Previous quit attempts have involved fake fags, gums, patches and 101 Biro's with chewed ends and I think I know why they didn't work - it's all very well replacing a ciggie with a plastic tube and filling it with a nicotine shot, but its actually that hand to mouth movement that needs to stop too. Okay, so it may work for some people but for me, it just reinforced that craving as my body wasn't getting the full effect of a king sized straight and with all the interesting stuff they put in to tobacco, I'm not entirely convinced its only the nicotine that makes quitting so difficult.

I've been googling and found that some of the over 4000 components that go in to one little smoke are of a questionable nature, who in their right mind thought that mixing generic tobacco with half of the pesticides and poisons found in the list below was a marketing strategy of pure genius proportions

Ammonia: Household cleaner
Angelica root extract: Known to cause cancer in animals
Arsenic: Used in rat poisons
Benzene: Used in making dyes, synthetic rubber
Butane: Gas; used in lighter fluid
Carbon monoxide: Poisonous gas
Cadmium: Used in batteries
Cyanide: Deadly poison
DDT: A banned insecticide
Ethyl Furoate: Causes liver damage in animals
Lead: Poisonous in high doses
Formaldehyde: Used to preserve dead specimens
Methoprene: Insecticide
Megastigmatrienone: Chemical naturally found in grapefruit juice
Maltitol: Sweetener for diabetics
Naphthalene: Ingredient in mothballs
Methyl isocyanate: Its accidental release killed 2000 people in Bhopal, India in 1984
Polonium: Cancer-causing radioactive element

but what has shocked me more was this little piece I found .. 

Along with blended tobacco and water, the 26-item L&M list includes high fructose corn syrup, sugar, natural and artificial licorice flavor, menthol, artificial milk chocolate and natural chocolate flavor, valerian root extract, molasses and vanilla extracts

 

and I'm begining to wonder just what else is hidden, it strikes me as rather clever to have vile ingredients mixed in with 'feel good flavours', total brain fuckery that mean cigarette manufactuors are laughing all the way to the bank.

So, I'm quitting, have wanted to for a while now and several failed attempts under my belt, I'm not about to become one of thise people who preach on the topic - but I am going to write this blog entry for a reference point to myself.

With only one member of my immediate family dying of heart disease and the rest going out riddled with cancer, you'd think I either would have never started smoking, or atleast quit on death days instead of sneaking off for a quick smoke after a funeral service, you'd think those images of a tar coated lungs on the back of a packet would have stopped me or even the more recent government campaign of making smoking socially unacceptable in public places and shown children passively smoking during commercial breaks on the tele would have worked - but none did, don't get me wrong, there was always room for pause and thought on the matter but none of the above were reason for me to never light up again.

What has worked? is the realisation that every time I spark up, I am chosing my own destiny but forcing the shoulders of my children to carry that. My 11 year old gave me a graphic description last year on just what smoking is doing to my body and it still wasn't the physical that caused me concern - it was the realisation that by smoking, I am forcing my children to watch me slowly kill myself - it may all be about personal choice, but when that choice affects the lives of the unheard then it's time to stop. By inhaling, effectively I'm making my children fear for our futures and that is why I've quit.

BUT - I won't ever tell anyone else to quit, it's a personal choice and while medics could profess the addictions involved and the government continue to spam us with anti smoking literature, the simple fact is, we all know it's a bad thing but we're allowed to decide for ourselves what we do next.

The only immediate downside to not smoking - is that the sense of smell comes back really quickly... I thought my cat farts were bad before .. nowadays they're of epic, biological warfare proportion.