proactive behaviour

OK ... a list of goals I want to achieve in the next year in no particular order, although apparently hula hooping will have to go on a future list

• I want to walk without fear - everything else will fall in to place once I master this
• I want to look at a flight of stairs and climb them without handrails
• I want to pick my children up when they fall
• I want to drive again
• I want to not have to deal with everything on my own
• I want to be able to face the outside world and not feel so scared
• I want to paddle in the sea, fly a kite on the sand
• I want to ride a bike
• I want to wake up in the morning and not reach for the pills
• I want to have a snowball fight
• I want to take the boys camping
• I want a social life filled with real people and not live by which medical appt. I'm at next
• I want to get excited by lingerie not support tights
• I want to buy a pair of shoes with a 6" heel
• I want a hug, to feel someone hold me/ to hold someone
• I want sex, animalistic rough fucking that leaves me breathless or even the gentlest of touch
• I want to look at my reflection and see a 34 year old woman and not an old, haggard mess
• I want to go to the hairdresser and get a proper cut
• I want to not feel so pathetic and weak
• I want a long hot bubble bath with a bottle of wine and a good book

This list will probably grow over time, it feels a bit of  redundant task to write a list of goals I want to achieve when I'm told that it's going to be at least a year before nerves, joints and tendons will be able to support any rehab programme - but I can see how I need to focus on the future

I'm tired, tired of pain, tired of pills, tired of living a life in which everything I do needs careful planning, I'm tired of hiding away because it's easier than face the reality that is now me, I'm tired of doing it all on my own.

So something needs to change right?

Just over a week ago, I sat here with a load of crushed up pills and a bottle of vodka - not because I want to die, but because living became too much to cope with - and yes that is really rather selfish of me but not for the reasons people have hurled at me when they were told
I don't buy in to the "what about the people you leave behind" attitude towards suicide, I've been one of those people more times than I can count on 10 fingers, I've also been on the end of the phone when a family member or a friend has called to say "it ends tonight" and while it may upset some people, I'd rather someone went out when they chose to and not force themselves to live a life for someone else - okay, so there is a time to get help, to tell that person to get off their arse and fight for life but when the reason to say stop is stronger than the reason to carry on - then I respect that choice and don't feel it is fair to add the pressure of how their actions may or may not affect me sway their decision. I would truly hate for someone to exist out of guilt and that is why I hold the beliefs I do
So when I spoke of my being selfish, it had nothing to do with how my choices affect other people but instead from the knowledge that compared to so many, I have it easy - and my selfishness comes from my lack of 'want' to try.

I watched a documentary recently, part way through there was a clip about a blind Tibetan woman being carried 10km on the back of a man down the mountain to get a cataract operation and its feats of strength like that that leave me feeling utterly selfish, one medic this week told me that pain is only ever relative to the person feeling it and that it should never be dismissed in terms of a reason for feeling totally broken - but I don't particularly like myself very much for crying about something that over time, can be made bearable or for not having enough of a positive attitude to deal with it effectively.

So that's what needs to change - my outlook, for the most part it is there but every now and then I let go and fall in to self pity mode - but one day ... one day I am going walk a marathon.

Needs

So, I want to walk, I want to not feel miserable - next on my list? sex .. I MISS SEX!
this post may ramble on a bit ..

Its hard to clarify what I do want from a physical relationship or put fucking like a beast as a goal on my list, I'm having a massive identity crisis and am not sure who I am anymore, which in turn has a domino effect on my cunt because in order for me to find pleasure, surely I need to know from where I wish to find it.

Ever since I could wank, it's always been a subbie based fantasy that's got me off the quickest, when I discovered the internets and found not only a name but a whole wealth of information and people to explore this side of me with I, like many people gave myself the title of submissive and pigeon holed myself. That lead to some interesting, fantastic and down right risky situations and taught me a lot about myself, from there I switched and became a bitch in killer heels, again taking a title and living out yet more interesting, fantastic and down right risky situations.
But I've come to a point in my life where neither title 'fits' and I find myself on the edge of a community watching people posture, preen and try to out do each other in some secret competition to be the ultimate 'true bottom/top'. It all smells like bullshit to me and I know, because for a while there, I was right in the middle of it all trying to be 'one of them'.
The internet is a great resource but scratch away the shine and what you really see is a political nightmare, full of roleplay, playground behaviours and childish popularity contests. Maybe this is part of the 'journey' - to realise that actually, while it's all to easy to write YKIOK, believing in that rather than the erotic literature based ideals of what BDSM should be is when you've finally found 'it'.
Trouble in that theory is that meeting other people who will admit to not giving a damn about other peoples beliefs and perceptions is hard work, no-body wants to be an outcast and that is exactly what happens when you dare to speak outside of the cage. To meet anyone, go to events, parties even simple munches - it seems you have to have a name or be verified by a known name in order to be spoken to, turn up at any of these events without having profiles on the relevant social sites and you're left outside of the cliques - which on one hand is no bad thing, who wants to be part of a group of people that need you to have passed security clearance first? but the flip side is in order to be accepted you need to be a part of this group - for a community that is apparently so broad minded and welcomming - there's a lot of red tape to get past first and that is where part of my identity crisis stems from

I don't need to win a popularity contest to feel ok about myself, I don't need to try and outdo another to gain 'celebrity', I don't need to have a CV of how many strokes of the cane I can take to prove myself, I'm actually ok with who I am - what I'm not ok with is knowing I'm stuck, of knowing I need to get out more and that the only way it seems possible to do that is by 'schmoozing' with the right names to be allowed access, something that leaves a very bitter taste.
Most of these sites come with title tags and they'd appreciate it if you took your correct name tag at the door ...
call myself Top and I get bombarded with "please miss, i'm new to the scene and just want to chat' emails that invairiably lead to 'thank you for replying, most dont as i'm a novice and an unknown - whats the baddest thing you've done to a naughty boy' conversation starters that are met with sarcasm, disappointment and a block.
call myself bottom and my inbox will fill with demands to submit to the man with the biggest flogger as a profile picture, threats and abuse when told 'no thanks' and the occasional, ooh you're feisty, I will break you/ ooh you're feisty, I'm really a subbie, please do me memos that leave me laughing till I pee.
call myself a switch and its a combination of the above with the occasional 'you dont belong here' message that tries to delve in to my brain and extract my 'twoo subbie nature'

it's all bullshit  - I'm me, 'Pip', I will bake you a cake but I will eat it infront of you too if the mood takes me there. So now its 'kinkster' a title which helps everyone else identify me (ok, stops all the wanky men roaring at me and beating their naked chest) but doesn't actually define who I am.


(pauses for a cuppa)

I guess I'm just disillusioned with it all, the focus isn't on the person but on their kink list. I won't lie, I've judged aswell as been judged, have tried to 'fit in' and dismiss people who don't meet my own ideals - I don't particularly like myself for that but I'm told its just human nature :s a survival/ selection system of sorts.

So, I've lived in a long term D/s relationship, I've been poly, a demo bunny, a one night fling, a part time play thing and a series of short term contractual sessioners - and yet, while I could sit here and write out my CV, it seems experience is only recognised if it was taught by a "valued member"
Due to "RL", I thought I'd explore the online thing, only once and never again, a collar whether a verbal, physical or virtual thing is still something I have full respect for, except in that situation when it came off quicker than a velcro rip strap .. and truth be told I'm still very bitter about the experience.

See, the great thing about SL for me is that inworld, I have a body that can move and I use the grid as pure escapism within the realms of what I would do if I physically could, I met someone, felt a real feeling for, poly'd to him and his partner, loved them both dearly but didnt feel stable enough for it to continue, cried when he left SL, cried when she defriended me  (I guess I was only worth the status I bought them), felt those feelings for him even more when he came back under a new name, asked for time to balance myself when he begged for me to wear his collar, eventually took it, thought I was safe and got dropped from a great height

But now have become a person I don't like very much as I feel totally used and bite my tongue on a daily basis so as not to dishonour him, he writes of love and respect and of his own hurt but not once has he even stopped to notice I muted him or question why and it's that that bothers me, not just because of him, but because of this 'community' which claims a moral highground, demands respect and acknowledgement but behind all the nicities and ettiqettes is actually a group of people banding together under an umbrella for solidarity but all out for what they can get from each other without any real thought for the damage they cause

and that is why I don't 'fit in'

because I believe BDSM isn't about whips and chains, of kneeling in dutiful respect or of demanding obedience - it's about the relationship between people, be that two, three or a poly household and it shouldn't need a handbook or a checklist to make sure you're doing it right.

I don't need 'breaking down and remolding in to a proper submissive' and in the same respect, I don't need someone on their knees to make me feel dominant

what I seek is someone who feels it on a chemistry level, it's the energy between myself and someone else that excites me not what the porn industry classes as a 'scene' - I have 'slave' as a kanji tattoo on my body, not as a brand, mark of ownership or symbol but a simple design that represents part of who I am but it is just that - it's a part of who I am , finding someone who see's past that, beyond the benchmark set by a group of people who feel they have to constantly piss up a wall to prove their worth is proving a little difficult

Deux

Second on my list, although maybe it should be number one, is not to feel so miserable.

Miserable doesn't come close to explaining how low I get and I hate that I am so weak, which is why I try and hide how I do feel, it's really quite pathetic of me to cry and whinge about pain when compared to most people, I have it easy.

But I struggle with it, I miss doing so many simple things, I miss hugs, proper fall in to someones arms and hold them as tightly as they hold me moments - I can't do it, I'm not balanced in a cuddle, I can't support the weight of someone else's arms around me and the only way I can describe it is that I feel like a coke can being crushed, so I don't let anyone get that close.
I have to lay down to snuggle my babies and they're accepting of this fact but its unbearable, if they fall over I can't run to pick them up, they have to come to me and it shouldn't be that way, ok, it may be character building for them but its not right, I cant scoop them up and make it all better instantly.

I miss life, of being spontaneous and free to go wherever I want to, every venture outside my front door takes a degree of planning that I'm so tired of doing. Most of my problem is pride, I get that and it's down to me to make the effort, but 9 times out of 10 I just won't do it, because I cannot bear to be seen like this. It's not just pride, it's fear, I don't feel safe, one trip or badly placed foot and I'm back to square one, I don't have the confidence to risk that.
But I'm my biggest problem, I've become this damned disease's victim, in order to make progress I need to be doing more things but fear of pain, of failure, of embarrassment has become my safety net and with each day I'm hiding further away from the face of this thing. It's a lot easier to not try incase it hurts too much. Another reason why I don't say how I feel because truth is, I know how defeatist I have become and so don't feel it is fair to say 'today is a bad day' because I've caused a lot of it..

I truly do have the most incredible friends, who support me even though what I put them through is obscene and I will never be able to say just how much their love means to me, but during the really dark moments, I shy away from them, that's one of the 'beauties' of having friends who live miles away, 95% of our communication is done through wires and online I can pretend to be ok, what they don't see is me breaking when I log off and I while for the most part, I like it that way - inside I'm also screaming because I end up feeling even more alone.

I don't know how to find that balance though - every day is a 'bad day' but I refuse to become that emo friend, the one who brings everyone down, the one people avoid because its all 'woe is me', I'm not that person, trouble is my need to not be that person means I struggle to say how I do feel when I need to and I become so stuck in being unable to speak up I isolate myself even more.

I guess this blog is the beginning of breaking that cycle, I can whinge, bitch and moan to my hearts content here, people can read it to know where I'm at but I then don't have to fill an IM window full of my self pity, I can still be me, happy Pip, talking about anything and everything from lemon drizzle cake to anal fisting but in the knowledghe that now people do know instead of being freaked right out on the days when it all gets a little too much to bare.

Bullet Proof

I never realised just how much I took for granted or just how difficult simple tasks can become when impaired, I'm 34 and am having to write a list of goals I want to achieve in the next year and it's not like a new years resolution type list or a bucket list, its a list of things I should be able to do, have done and struggle with being no longer able to do.

Top of my list .. walking, one foot in front of the other without wanting to cry, hold my groin in an MJesque pose or waddle like a duck.
It goes much deeper than that though, I'd like to be able to walk without watching each step, without looking where the next movement will land, without planning where and how each foot will go, without feeling unstable, vunerable and weak.

I rarely go out nowadays, I'll do the school run - without that I'd never leave the house at all, but I have that route down to individual kerb stones and flat surfaces, people whinge about the state of our roads in this country, they should try out the pavements some time.
Going further than that though, fills me with dread and I'll do anything I can to avoid it, I live in a small town but all it takes is for someone to walk out in front of me and I'm digging my sticks in to the ground to stay upright. Its unavoidable, people walk out of stores without looking, will stop suddenly to answer a mobile or to peer in to a shop window and I'm left wishing people came with indicators and brake lights as standard.
I don't feel safe, physically or mentally and so I stay at home.

So that's number one - to walk, unaided, without fear.

Going Public

Well here I am .. a blogger called Pip, not actually a new concept but rather a new profile and a fresh clean blog to fill with crap. I may import the old blog at some point, or I may just keep it archived for my own reference.

I've got two reasons for writing this, the first because I'm totally crap at saying how I really feel and then freak people out when I end up on my arse ( a regular occurrence resulting in me hiding from the world until I have removed my head from said arse) - so for you wonderful people who despair of me at times, this is for you, beanbags, Valium and walls to bang your head against are over thar --->
The second reason is a theraputic one, I'm supposed to write a list of goals I want to achieve over the coming year and a blog is a way of keeping tabs on where I get to.

So welcome to the little corner of the net that I have taken up residence in ;)