proactive behaviour

OK ... a list of goals I want to achieve in the next year in no particular order, although apparently hula hooping will have to go on a future list

• I want to walk without fear - everything else will fall in to place once I master this
• I want to look at a flight of stairs and climb them without handrails
• I want to pick my children up when they fall
• I want to drive again
• I want to not have to deal with everything on my own
• I want to be able to face the outside world and not feel so scared
• I want to paddle in the sea, fly a kite on the sand
• I want to ride a bike
• I want to wake up in the morning and not reach for the pills
• I want to have a snowball fight
• I want to take the boys camping
• I want a social life filled with real people and not live by which medical appt. I'm at next
• I want to get excited by lingerie not support tights
• I want to buy a pair of shoes with a 6" heel
• I want a hug, to feel someone hold me/ to hold someone
• I want sex, animalistic rough fucking that leaves me breathless or even the gentlest of touch
• I want to look at my reflection and see a 34 year old woman and not an old, haggard mess
• I want to go to the hairdresser and get a proper cut
• I want to not feel so pathetic and weak
• I want a long hot bubble bath with a bottle of wine and a good book

This list will probably grow over time, it feels a bit of  redundant task to write a list of goals I want to achieve when I'm told that it's going to be at least a year before nerves, joints and tendons will be able to support any rehab programme - but I can see how I need to focus on the future

I'm tired, tired of pain, tired of pills, tired of living a life in which everything I do needs careful planning, I'm tired of hiding away because it's easier than face the reality that is now me, I'm tired of doing it all on my own.

So something needs to change right?

Just over a week ago, I sat here with a load of crushed up pills and a bottle of vodka - not because I want to die, but because living became too much to cope with - and yes that is really rather selfish of me but not for the reasons people have hurled at me when they were told
I don't buy in to the "what about the people you leave behind" attitude towards suicide, I've been one of those people more times than I can count on 10 fingers, I've also been on the end of the phone when a family member or a friend has called to say "it ends tonight" and while it may upset some people, I'd rather someone went out when they chose to and not force themselves to live a life for someone else - okay, so there is a time to get help, to tell that person to get off their arse and fight for life but when the reason to say stop is stronger than the reason to carry on - then I respect that choice and don't feel it is fair to add the pressure of how their actions may or may not affect me sway their decision. I would truly hate for someone to exist out of guilt and that is why I hold the beliefs I do
So when I spoke of my being selfish, it had nothing to do with how my choices affect other people but instead from the knowledge that compared to so many, I have it easy - and my selfishness comes from my lack of 'want' to try.

I watched a documentary recently, part way through there was a clip about a blind Tibetan woman being carried 10km on the back of a man down the mountain to get a cataract operation and its feats of strength like that that leave me feeling utterly selfish, one medic this week told me that pain is only ever relative to the person feeling it and that it should never be dismissed in terms of a reason for feeling totally broken - but I don't particularly like myself very much for crying about something that over time, can be made bearable or for not having enough of a positive attitude to deal with it effectively.

So that's what needs to change - my outlook, for the most part it is there but every now and then I let go and fall in to self pity mode - but one day ... one day I am going walk a marathon.