Deux

Second on my list, although maybe it should be number one, is not to feel so miserable.

Miserable doesn't come close to explaining how low I get and I hate that I am so weak, which is why I try and hide how I do feel, it's really quite pathetic of me to cry and whinge about pain when compared to most people, I have it easy.

But I struggle with it, I miss doing so many simple things, I miss hugs, proper fall in to someones arms and hold them as tightly as they hold me moments - I can't do it, I'm not balanced in a cuddle, I can't support the weight of someone else's arms around me and the only way I can describe it is that I feel like a coke can being crushed, so I don't let anyone get that close.
I have to lay down to snuggle my babies and they're accepting of this fact but its unbearable, if they fall over I can't run to pick them up, they have to come to me and it shouldn't be that way, ok, it may be character building for them but its not right, I cant scoop them up and make it all better instantly.

I miss life, of being spontaneous and free to go wherever I want to, every venture outside my front door takes a degree of planning that I'm so tired of doing. Most of my problem is pride, I get that and it's down to me to make the effort, but 9 times out of 10 I just won't do it, because I cannot bear to be seen like this. It's not just pride, it's fear, I don't feel safe, one trip or badly placed foot and I'm back to square one, I don't have the confidence to risk that.
But I'm my biggest problem, I've become this damned disease's victim, in order to make progress I need to be doing more things but fear of pain, of failure, of embarrassment has become my safety net and with each day I'm hiding further away from the face of this thing. It's a lot easier to not try incase it hurts too much. Another reason why I don't say how I feel because truth is, I know how defeatist I have become and so don't feel it is fair to say 'today is a bad day' because I've caused a lot of it..

I truly do have the most incredible friends, who support me even though what I put them through is obscene and I will never be able to say just how much their love means to me, but during the really dark moments, I shy away from them, that's one of the 'beauties' of having friends who live miles away, 95% of our communication is done through wires and online I can pretend to be ok, what they don't see is me breaking when I log off and I while for the most part, I like it that way - inside I'm also screaming because I end up feeling even more alone.

I don't know how to find that balance though - every day is a 'bad day' but I refuse to become that emo friend, the one who brings everyone down, the one people avoid because its all 'woe is me', I'm not that person, trouble is my need to not be that person means I struggle to say how I do feel when I need to and I become so stuck in being unable to speak up I isolate myself even more.

I guess this blog is the beginning of breaking that cycle, I can whinge, bitch and moan to my hearts content here, people can read it to know where I'm at but I then don't have to fill an IM window full of my self pity, I can still be me, happy Pip, talking about anything and everything from lemon drizzle cake to anal fisting but in the knowledghe that now people do know instead of being freaked right out on the days when it all gets a little too much to bare.